Politically Correct Bedtime Stories (1988)

Garner, James Finn

Published:

2010

Politically Correct Bedtime Stories James Finn Garner *

INTRODUCTION: LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD!

THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

RUMPELSTILTSKIN

THE THREE CODEPENDENT GOATS GRUFF

RAPUNZEL

CINDERELLA

GOLDILOCKS

SNOW WHITE

CHICKEN LITTLE

THE FROG PRINCE

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

THE PIED PIPER OF HAMELIN

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INTRODUCTION

When they were first written, the storie s on which the following tales are base d certainly served their purpose t o entrench the patriarchy, to estrange people fro m their own natural impulses, to demonize "evil" an d to "reward" an "objective" "good." However muc h we might like to, we cannot blame the Brother s Grimm for their insensitivity to women's issues , minority cultures, and the environment. Likewise, i n the self-righteous Copenhagen of Hans Christia n Andersen, the inalienable rights of mermaids wer e hardly given a second thought.

Today, we have the opportunity and the obligation to rethink these "classic" stories so they reflec t more enlightened times. To that effort I submit thi s humble book. While its original title, Fairy Stories Fo r a Modem World, was abandoned for obvious reasons (kudos to my editor for pointing out my hetero -sexualist bias), I think the collection stands on its own.

This, however, is just a start. Certain stories, such a s "The Duckling That Was Judged on Its Persona l Merits and Not on Its Physical Appearance," wer e deleted for space reasons. I expect I have volume s left in me, and I hope this book sparks the righteou s imaginations of other writers and, of course, leave s an indelible mark on our children.

If, through omission or commission, I have inadvert e ntly displayed any sexist, racist, culturalist , nationalist, regionalist, ageist, lookist, ableist, sizeist , speciesist, intellectualist, socioeconomicist, ethnoccntrist, phallocentrist, hcteropatriarchalist, or othe r type of bias as yet unnamed, I apologize and encourage your suggestions for rectification. In the quest t o develop meaningful literature that is totally fre e from bias and purged from the influences of it s flawed cultural past, I doubtless have made som e mistakes.

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

There once was a young person named Red Ridin g Hood who lived with he r mother on the edge of a large wood. One day he r mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit an d mineral water to he r grandmother's house no t because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generou s and helped engender a feeling of community.

Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, bu t rather was in full physical and mental health and wa s fully capable of taking care of herself as a matur e adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her baske t through the woods. Many people believed that th e forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and neve r set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that suc h obvious Freudian imagery did not intimidate her.

On the way to Grandma's house, Red Ridin g Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked her wha t was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthfu l snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capabl e of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe fo r a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remar k offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it becaus e of your traditional status as an outcast from society , the stress of which has caused you to develop you r own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excus e me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path.

But, because his status outside society had freed hi m from slavish adherence to linear, Western-styl e thought, the wolf knew a quicker route t o Grandma's house. He burst into the house and at e Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself Then, unhampered by rigid , traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's nightclothes and crawle d into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said , "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free , sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the wolf said softly, "Come closer , child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are a s optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eye s you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, m y dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its ow n way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, m y dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The wolf said, "I am happy with who I am an d what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Re d Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her.

Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at th e wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, bu t because of his willful invasion other personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopperperson (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to b e called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw th e melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax , Red Riding Hood and the wolf both stopped.

"And just what do you think you're doing?" aske d Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried t o answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trustin g your weapon to do your thinking for you!" sh e exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assum e that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's impassione d speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolf's mouth , seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his hea d off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma , and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose.

They decided to set up an alternative househol d based on mutual respect and cooperation, and the y lived together in the woods happily ever after.

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THE EMPEROR'S NEW CLOTHES

Far away, in a time long past, there lived a traveling tailo r "who found himself in a n unfamiliar country. Now , tailors who move fro m place to place normall y keep to themselves and ar e careful not to overstep th e bounds of local decency.

This tailor, though, was overly gregarious and decorum-impaired, and soo n he was at a local inn, abusing alcohol, invading th e personal space of the female employees, and tellin g unenlightened stories about tinkers, dung-gatherers , and other tradespeople.

The innkeeper complained to the police, wh o grabbed the tailor and dragged him in front of th e emperor. As you might expect, a lifetime of belief i n the absolute legitimacy of the monarchy and in th e inherent superiority of males had turned the emperor into a vain and wisdom-challenged tyrant. Th e tailor noticed these traits and decided to use them t o his advantage.

The emperor asked, "Do you have any last reques t before I banish you from my domain forever?"

The tailor replied, "Only that your majesty allo w me the honor of Grafting a new royal wardrobe. For I h ave brought with me a special fabric that is so rar e and fine that it can be seen only by certain peopl e the type of people you'd want to have in -you r realm people who are politically correct, morall y righteous, intellectually astute, culturally tolerant , and who don't smoke, drink, laugh at sexist jokes , watch too much television, listen to country music , or barbecue."

After a moment's thought, the emperor agreed t o this request. He was flattered by the fascist an d testostcrone-heavy idea that the empire and it s inhabitants existed only to make him look good. I t would be like having a trophy wife and multiplyin g that feeling by 100,000.

Of course, no such rarefied fabric existed. Years o f living outside the bounds of normal society ha d forced the tailor to develop his own moral code tha t obliged him to swindle and embarrass the empero r in the name of independent craftspeople everywhere. So, as he diligently labored, he was able t o convince the emperor that he was cutting an d sewing pieces of fabric that, in the strictest objectiv e sense of reality, didn't exist.

When the tailor announced that he was finished , the emperor looked at his new robes in the mirror.

As he stood there, naked as the day he was born, on e could see how years of exploiting the peasantry ha d turned his body into an ugly mass of puffy whit e flesh. The emperor, of course, saw this too, but pretended that he could sec the beautiful, politicall y correct robes. To show off his new splendor, h e ordered a parade to be held the next day.

On the following morning, his subjects lined th e streets for the big parade. Word had spread about th e emperor's new clothes that only enlightened peopl e with healthy lifestyles could sec, and everyone wa s determined to be more right-minded than his or he r neighbor.

The parade began with great hoopla. As th e emperor marched his pale, bloated, patriarchal carcass down the street, everyone loudly oohed an d ahed at his beautiful new clothes. All except on e small boy, who shouted: "The emperor is naked!"

The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hus h fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasan t shouted: "No, he isn't. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!"

A cheer went up from the crowd, and the throng s stripped off their clothes and danced in the sun, a s Nature had intended. The country was clothing optional from that day forward, and the tailor , deprived of any livelihood, packed up his needle an d thread and was never heard from again.

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THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Once there were three little pigs who lived together i n mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials tha t were indigenous to th e area, they each built a beautiful house. One pi g built a house of straw, on e a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped int o bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they wer e finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work an d settled back to live in peace and self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, alon g came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He sa w the pigs and grew very hungry, in both a physical an d an ideological sense When the pigs saw the wolf , they ran into the house of straw Tlic wolf ran up t o the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Littl e pigs, little pigs, let me in'"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hol d no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture "

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he though t was his manifest destiny So he huffed and putte d and blew down the house of straw The frightene d pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in ho t pursuit Where the house of straw had stood, othe r wolves bought up the land and started a banan a plantatio n At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on th e door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in'"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor'"

At this, the wolf chuckled condescendingly He thought to himself "They arc so childlike in thei r ways It will be a shame to see them go, but progres s cannot be stopped "

So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down th e house of sticks The pigs ran to the house of bricks , with the wolf close at their heels Where the hous e of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-shar e condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, wit h eacli unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house o f sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling, an d dolphin show s At t h e house of bricks, t h e wolf again banged on th e door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in'"

This time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the Unite d Nation s By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' r efusal to see the situation from the carnivore's poin t of view So he huffed and puffed, and huffed an d puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dea d from a massive heart attack brought on from eatin g too many fatty food s The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse o f the wolf Their next step was to liberate their homeland They gathered together a band of other pig s who had been forced off their lands This ne w brigade of porcsmstas attacked the resort complex wit h machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtere d the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal t o the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in thei r internal affairs. Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal healt h care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual nwlws were harmed in the writing of th e story.

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RUMPELSTILTSKIN

Long ago in a kingdom far away, there lived a mille r who was very economicall y disadvantag e d. This mille r shared his humble dwellin g with his only daughter, a n independent young woman named Esmeralda.

Now, the miller was very ashamed of his poverty , rather than angry at the economic system that ha d marginalized him, and was always searching for a way to get rich quick.

"If only I could get my daughter to marry a ric h man," he mused, in a sexist and archaic way, "she'l l be fulfilled and I'll never have to work another da y in my life." To this shabby end, he had an inspiration. He would start a rumor that his daughter wa s able to spin common barnyard straw into pure gol d With this untruth, he would be able to attract th e attention of many rich men and marry Esmeralda.

The rumor spread through the kingdom in a manner that just happened to be like wildfire and soo n reached the prince As greedy and gullible as mos t men of his station, he believed the rumor and invite d Esmeralda to his castle for a May Day festival Bu t when she arrived, he had her thrown into a dungeo n filled with straw and ordered her to spin it into gold.

Locked in the dungeon, fearing for her life , Esmeralda sat on the floor and wept Never had th e exploitativeness of the patriarchy been made s o apparent to her As she cried, a diminutive man in a funny hat appeared in the dungeo n "Why are you crying, my dear7" he aske d Esmeralda was startled but answered him "Th e prince has ordered me to spin all this straw int o gold "

"But why arc you crying7" he asked agai n "Because it can't be done What are you. speciall y abled or something?"

The differently statured man laughed and said , "Dearie, you are thinking too much with the lef t side of your brain, you are But you are in luck I wil l show you how to perform this task, yes, but first yo u must promise to give me what I want in return "

With no alternative, Esmeralda gave her assent To turn the straw into gold, they took it to a nearb y farmers' cooperative, where it was used to thatch a n old roof With a drier home, the farmers becam e healthier and more productive, and they brough t forth a record harvest of wheat for local consumption The children of the kingdom grew strong an d tall, went to a cooperative school, and graduall y turned the kingdom into a model democracy wit h no economic or sexual injustice and low infant mortality rates For his part, the prince was captured b y an angry mob and stabbed to death with pitchfork s outside the palace As new investment mone y poured in from all over the world, the farmer s remembered Esm e ralda's generous gift of straw an d rewarded her with numerous chests of gol d When all this was done, the diminutive man i n the funny hat laughed and said, "That is how yo u turn straw into gold " Then his expression becam e menacing "Now that I have done my work, yo u must fulfill your part of the bargain You must giv e me your first-born child'"

Esmeralda shot back at him, "I don't have t o negotiate with anyone who would interfere with m y reproductive rights!"

The vertically challenged man was taken aback b y the conviction in her voice. Deciding on a change i n tactics, he said slyly, "Fair enough, dearie. I'll let yo u out of the bargain if you can guess what my name is."

"All right," said Esmeralda. She paused a second , tapped her chin with her finger, and said, "Woul d your name be ... oh, I don't know, maybe . . .

Rumpe lstiltskin?"

"AAAAAKKKK"" shrieked the man of non -standard height. "But. . . but. . . how did you know?"

She replied, "You are still wearing your nam e badge from the Little People's Empowermen t Seminar."

Rumpelstiltskin screamed in anger and stampe d his foot, at which point the earth cracked open an d swallowed him up in a rush of smoke and sulphur.

With her gold, Esmeralda moved to California t o open a birth-control clinic, -where she showed othe r womyn how not to be enslaved by their reproductive systems and lived to the end other days as a fulfilled, dedicated single person.

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THE THREE CODEPENDENT GOATS GRUFF

Once on a lovely mountainside lived three goats wh o were related as siblings.

Their name was Gruff, and they were a very close family. During the winte r months they lived in a lush , green valley, eating gras s and doing other things in a naturally goatish manner.

When summer came, they would travel up th e mountainside to where the pasture was sweeter. Thi s way, they did not overgraze their valley and kept thei r ecological footprint as small as possible.

To get to this pasture, the goats had to cross a bridge over a wide chasm. When the first days o f summer came, one goat set out to cross the bridge.

This goat was the least chronologically accomplishe d of the siblings and thus had achieved the least superiority in size. When he reached the bridge, h e lashed on his safety helmet and grasped the handrail.

But as he began to cross, a menacing growl cam e from beneath the bridge.

Over the railing and onto the bridge leaped a troll hairy, dirt-accomplished, and odor-enhanced.

"Yaaarrrgh!!" intoned the troll. "I am the keeper o f this bridge, and while goats may have the right t o cross it, I'll eat any that try!"

"But why, Mr. Troll?" bleated the goat.

"Because I'm a troll, and proud of it. I have a troll's needs, and those needs include eating goats, s o you better respect them or else."

The goat was frightened. "Certainly, sir," he stammered. "If eating me would help you become a mor e complete troll, nothing would please me more. But I r eally can't commit to that course of action withou t first consulting my siblings. Will you excuse me?"

And the goat ran back to the valley.

Next, the middle sibling goat came up to th e bridge. This goat was more chronologicall y advanced than the first goat and so enjoyed a n advantage in size (although this did not make him a better or more deserving goat). He was about t o cross the bridge when the troll stopped him.

"Nature has made me a troll," he said, "and I e mbrace my trolihood. Would you deny me my righ t to live the life of a troll as fully and effectively as I can?"

"Me? Never!" exclaimed the goat proudly.

"Then stand still there while I come over and ea t you up. And don't try to run away; I would take tha t as a personal affront." He began to invade the goat's caprinal space.

"However," blurted the goat, "I have a very clos e family and it would be selfish of me to allow mysel f to be eaten without asking their opinion. I hav e respect for their feelings, too. I would hate to thin k that my absence would cause them any emotiona l stress, if I hadn't first. . . ."

"Go then!" screamed the troll.

"I'll rush back here as soon as we reach a consensus," the goat said, "for it's not fair to keep you i n suspense."

"You're too kind," sighed the troll, and the goa t ran back to the valley. As his hunger grew, the trol l began to feel a real grievance toward the goats. If h e didn't get to eat at least one of them, he was determined to go to the authorities.

When the third goat came to the bridge, the trol l discovered that he was nearly twice the troll's size , with large, sharp horns and hard, heavy hooves. Th e troll felt his physical-intimidation prerogative fadin g fast. As fear turned his insides into jelly, the trol l sank to his knees and pleaded, "Oh, please, pleas e forgive me! I was using you and your goat sibling s for my own selfish ends. I don't know what drov e me to it, but I've seen the error of my ways."

The goat, too, got down on what passed for knee s in goats and said, "Now, now, you can't take all th e blame for yourself. Our presence and supreme edibility put you in this situation. My siblings and I al l feel terrible. Please, you must forgive us."

The troll began to sob. "No, no, it's all my fault. I t hreatened and bullied you all, just for the sake o f my own survival. How selfish I was!"

But the goat would have none of this. "We were th e selfish ones. We only wanted to save our own skins, an d we totally neglected your needs. Please, eat me now!"

"No," the troll said, "you must butt me off thi s bridge for my insensitivity and selfishness."

"I'll do no such thing," said the goat, "since we al l tempted you in the first place. Here, have a chomp.

Go ahead."

"I'm telling you," the troll insisted, standing up , "I'm the guilty one here. Now, knock me off thi s bridge and be quick about it!"

"Look," said the goat, rearing to his full height , "no one is going to take away my blame for this, no t even you, so cat me before I pop you in the nose."

"Don't play guiltier-than-thou with me , Hornhead!"

"'Hornhead'? You smelly hairball! I'll show yo u guilt!" And with that, they wrestled and bit and punche d and kicked as each sought to don the mantle of blame.

The other two goats bounded up to the bridge an d sized up the fight. Feeling guilty at not acceptin g enough of the blame, they joined the others in a whirling ball of hair, hooves, horns, and teeth. Bu t the little bridge was not built to carry such weight. I t shook and swayed and finally buckled, hurling th e troll and the three codependent goats Gruff into th e chasm. On their way down, they each felt relieve d that they would finally get what they deserved, plus , as a bonus, a little extra guilt for the fate of the others.

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RAPUNZEL

There once lived an economically disadvantaged tinke r and his wife. His lack o f material accomplishment i s not meant to imply that al l tinkers are economicall y marginalized, or that if the y are, they deserve to be so.

While the archetype of the tinker is generally the whipping person in classical bedtime stories, this particula r individual was a tinker by trade and just happened t o be economically disadvantaged.

The tinker and his wife lived in a little hovel nex t to the modest estate of a local witch. From thei r window, they could see the witch's meticulousl y kept garden, a nauseating attempt to impose huma n notions of order onto Nature.

The wife of" the tinker was pregnant, and as sh e gazed at the witch's garden, she began to crave som e of the lettuce she saw growing there. She begged th e tinker to jump the fence and get some for her. Th e tinker finally submitted, and at night he jumped th e wall and liberated some of the lettuce. But before h e could get back, the witch caught him.

Now, this witch was very kindness-impaired.

(This is not meant to imply that all, or even some , witches are that way, nor to deny this particula r witch her right to express whatever disposition cam e naturally to her. Far from it, her disposition wa s without doubt due to many factors of her upbringing and socialization, which, unfortunately, must b e omitted here in the interest of brevity.) As mentioned earlier, the witch was kindness impaired, and the tinker was extremely frightened.

She held him by the scruff of the neck and asked , "Where are you going with my lettuce?"

The tinker might have argued with her over th e concept of ownership and stated that the lettuc e rightfully "belonged" to anyone who was hungr y and had nerve enough to take it. Instead, in a degrading spectacle, he pleaded for mercy. "It wa s my wife's fault," he cried in a characteristically mal e manner- "She is pregnant and has a craving for som e of your lovely lettuce. Please spare me. Although a single-parent household is certainly acceptable , please don't kill me and deprive my child o f a stable , two-parent family structure."

The witch though t for a moment, then let go o f the tinker's neck and disappeared without a word.

The tinker gratefully went home with the lettuce. A f ew months later, and after agonizing pain that a man will never really be able to appreciate, the tinker's wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy prewomm a n. They named the baby Rapunzel, after a type o f lettuce.

Not long after this, the witch appeared at thei r door, demanding that they give her the child i n return for the witch's having spared the tinker's lif e in the garden. What could they do? Their powerles s station in life had always left them open to exploitation, and this time they felt they had no alternative.

They gave Rapunzel to the witch, who sped away.

The witch took the child deep into the wood s and imprisoned her in a tall tower, the symbolis m of which should be obvious. There Rapunzel gre w to wommonhood. The tower had no door or stairs , but it did boast a single window at the top. Th e only way for anyone to get to the window was fo r Rapunzel to let down her long, luxurious hair an d climb it to the top, the symbolism of which shoul d also be obvious.

The witch was Rapunzel's only companion. Sh e would stand at the foot of the tower and shout , "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair , "That I might climb your golden stair."

Rapunzel obediently did as she was told. Thus fo r years she let her body be exploited for the transportational needs of another. The witch loved musi c and taught Rapunzel to sing. They passed many lon g hours singing together in the tower.

One day a young prince rode near the tower an d heard Rapunzel singing. But as he rode closer to fin d the source of the lovely sound, he spied the witc h and hid himself and his equine companion in th e trees. He watched as the witch called out t o Rapunzel, the hair fell down, and the witch climbe d up. Again, he heard the beautiful singing. Later , when the witch finally exited the tower and disappeared in the other direction, the prince came out o f the woods and called up: "Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair , "That I might climb your golden stair."

The hair cascaded from the window, and h e climbed up.

When the prince saw Rapunzel, her greater-than average p h ysical attractiveness and her long, luxurious hair led him to think, in a typically lookist way , that her personality would also be beautiful. (This i s not to imply that all princes judge people solely o n their appearance, nor to deny this particular princ e his right to make such assumptions. Please see th e disclaimers in the paragraphs above.) The prince said, "Oh, beautiful damsel, I hear d you singing as I rode by on my horse. Please sing fo r me again."

Rapunzel didn't know what to make of this person, since she had never seen a man up close before.

He seemed a strange creature large, hairy in th e face, and possessing a strong, musky odor. For reasons she could not explain, Rapunzel found thi s combination somewhat attractive and opened he r mouth to sing.

"Stop right there!" screamed a voice from th e window. The witch had returned!

"How . . . how did you get up here?" Rapunze l asked.

"I had an extra set of hair made, in case of emergency," said the witch matter-of-factly. "And this certainly looks like one. Listen to me, Prince! I buil t this tower to keep Rapunzel away from men lik e you. I taught her to sing, training her voice for years.

She'll stay here and sing for no one but me, becaus e I am the only one who truly loves her."

"We can talk about your codependency problem s later," said the prince. "But first let me hear . . .

Rapunzel, is it? ... let me hear Rapunzel sing."

"NO!" screamed the witch. "I'm going to thro w you from the tower into the thorn-of-color bushe s below so that your eyes will be gouged out an d you'll wander the countryside cursing your bad luc k for the rest of your life!"

"You may want to reconsider that," said th e prince. "I have some friends in the recording industry, you sec, who would be very interested in ...

Rapunzel, wasn't it? Different, kind of catchy, I suppose. . . ."

"I knew it! You want to take her from me!"

"No, no, I want you to continue to train her, t o nurture her ... as her manager," said the prince.

"Then, when the time is right, say a week or two , you can unleash her talent on the world and we ca n all rake in the cash."

The witch paused for a second to think about this , and her demeanor visibly softened. She and th e prince began to discuss record contracts and vide o deals, as well as possible marketing ideas, includin g life-like Rapunzel1" dolls with their very own miniature stereo Tune-Towers.

As Rapunzel watched, her suspicions turned int o revulsion. For years, her hair had been exploited fo r the transportational needs of others. Now the y wanted to exploit her voice as well. "So, rapaciousness docs not depend solely on gender," she realize d with a sigh.

Rapunzel edged her way to the window withou t being seen. She stepped out and climbed down th e second set of hair to the prince's waiting horse. Sh e dislodged the hair and took it with her as she rod e off, leaving the witch and the prince to argue abou t royalties and percentages in their phallus-shape d tower.

Rapunzel rode to the city and rented a room in a building that had real stairs. She later established th e non-profit Foundation for the Free Proliferation o f Music and cut off her hair for a fund-mi sing auction.

She sang for free in coffee houses and art gallerie s for the rest other days, always refusing to exploit fo r money other people's desires to hear her sing.

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CINDERELLA

There once lived a youn g wommon named Cinderella , whose natural birthmothe r had died when Cinderell a was but a child. A few year s after, her father married a widow with two olde r daughters. Cinderella's mother-of-step treated he r very cruelly, and her sisters of-step made her work very hard, as if she were thei r own personal unpaid laborer.

One day an invitation arrived at their house. Th e prince was celebrating his exploitation of the dispossessed and marginalized peasantry by throwing a fancy dress ball. Cinderella's sisters-of-step wer e very excited to be invited to the palace. They bega n to plan the expensive clothes they would use to alte r and enslave their natural body images to emulate a n unrealistic standard of feminine beauty. (It was especially unrealistic in their case, as they were differently visaged enough to stop a clock.) He r mother-of-step also planned to go to the ball, s o Cinder e lla was working harder than a dog (an appropriate if unfortunately sp e ciesist metaphor).

Wlien the day of the ball arrived, Cinder e lla helpe d her mother- and sisters-of-step into their ball gowns.

A formidable task: It was like trying to force te n pounds of processed nonhuman animal carcasses int o a five-pound skin. Next came immense cosmeti c augmentation, which it would be best not to describ e at all. As evening fell, her mother- and sisters-of-ste p left Cinderella at home to finish her housework.

Cin derella was sad, but she contented herself wit h her Holly Near records.

Suddenly there was a flash of light, and in front o f Cinderella stood a man dressed in loose-fitting, all cotton clothes and wearing a wide-brimmed hat. A t first Cinderella thought he was a Southern lawyer o r a bandleader, but he soon put her straight.

"Hello, Cinderella, I am your fairy godp e rson, o r individual deity proxy, if you prefer. So, you want t o go to the ball, eh? And bind yourself into the mal e concept of beauty? Squeeze into some tight-fittin g dress that will cut off your circulation? Jam your fee t into high-heeled shoes that will ruin your bon e structure? Paint your face with chemicals and makeup that have been tested on nonhuman animals?"

"Oh yes, definitely," she said in an instant. He r fairy godperson heaved a great sigh and decided t o put off her political education till another day. Wit h his magic, he enveloped her in a beautiful, brigh t light and whisked her away to the palace.

Many, many carriages were lined up outside th e palace that night; apparently, no one had eve r thought of carpooling. Soon, in a heavy, gilded carriage painfully pulled by a team of horse-slaves , Cinderella arrived. She was dressed in a clingin g gown woven of silk stolen from unsuspecting silkworms. Her hair was festooned with pearls plundered from hard-working, defenseless oysters. An d on her feet, dangerous though it may seem, she wor e slippers made of finely cut crystal.

Every head in the ballroom turned as Cinderell a entered. The men stared at and lusted after thi s wommon who had captured perfectly their Barbie doll ideas of feminine desirability. The womyn , trained at an early age to despise their own bodies , looked at Cindcrella with envy and spite.

Cinderella's own mother- and sisters-of-step, consumed with jealousy, failed to recognize her.

Cinderella soon caught the roving eye of th e prince, who was busy discussing jousting and bearbaiting with his cronies. Upon seeing her, the princ e was struck with a fit of not being able to speak a s well as the majority of the population. "Here," h e thought, "is a wommon that I could make m y princess and impregnate with the progeny of ou r perfect genes, and thus make myself the envy o f every other prince for miles around. And she's blond, too!"

The prince began to cross the ballroom toward hi s intended prey. His cronies also began to walk towar d Cinderella. So did every other male in the ballroo m who was younger than 70 and not serving drinks.

Cinderella was proud of the commotion she wa s causing. She walked with head high and carried herself like a wommon of eminent social standing. Bu t soon it became clear that the commotion was turnin g into something ugly, or at least socially dysfunctional.

The prince had made it clear to his friends that h e was intent on "possessing" the young wommon. Bu t the prince's resolut e ncss angered his pals, for the y too lusted after her and wanted to own her. The me n began to shout and push each other. The prince's best friend, who was a large if cer e brally constraine d duke, stopped him halfway across the dance floo r and insisted that he was going to have Cinderella.

The prince's response was a swift kick to the groin , which left the duke temporarily inactive. But th e prince was quickly seized by other sex-crazed males , and he disappeared into a pile of human animals.

The womyn were appalled by this vicious displa y of testosterone, but try as they might, they wer e unable to separate the combatants. To the othe r womyn, it seemed that Cinderella was the cause o f all the trouble, so they encircled her and began t o display very unsisterly hostility. She tried to escape , but her impractical glass slippers made it nearl y impossible. Fortunately for her, none of the othe r womyn were shod any better.

The noise grew so loud that no one heard th e clock in the tower chime midnight- When the bel l rang the twelfth time, Cind e rclla's beautiful gow n and slippers disappeared, and she was dressed onc e again in her peasant's rags. Her mother- and sisters of-step recognized her now, but kept quiet to avoi d embarrassment.

The womyn grew silent at this magical transformation. Freed from the confinements of her gow n and slippers, Cind e r e lla sighed and stretched an d scratched her ribs. She smiled, closed her eyes an d said, "Kill me now if you want, sisters, but at least I'l l die in comfort."

The womyn around her again grew envious, bu t this time they took a different approach: Instead o f exacting vengeance on her, they stripped off thei r bodices, corsets, shoes, and every other confinin g garment. They danced and jumped and screeched i n sheer joy, comfortable at last in their shifts and bar e feet.

Had the men looked up from their macho danc e of destruction, they would have seen many desirabl e womyn dressed as if for the boudoir. But they neve r ceased pounding, punching, kicking, and clawin g each other until, to the last man, they were dead.

The womyn clucked their tongues but felt n o remorse. The palace and realm were theirs now.

Their first official act was to dress the men in thei r discarded dresses and tell the media that the figh t arose when someone threatened to expose the cross dressing tendencies of the prince and his cronies.

Their second was to set up a clothing co-op tha t produced only comfortable, practical clothes fo r womyn. Then they hung a sign on the castle advertising CinderWe ar (for that was what the new clothing was called), and through self-determination an d clever marketing, they all even the mother- an d sisters-of-st e p lived happily ever after.

*

*

GOLDILOCKS

Through the thicket, acros s the river, and deep, deep i n the woods, lived a family o f bears a Papa Bear, a Mam a Bear, and a Baby Bear an d they all lived togethe r anthropomorphically in a little cottage as a nuclea r family. They were very sorr y about this, of course, sinc e the nuclear family has traditionally served to enslav e womyn, instill a self-righteous moralism in its members, and imprint rigid notions of h e t e ro -sexualist role s onto the next generation. Nevertheless, they tried t o be happy and took steps to avoid these pitfalls, such a s naming their offspring the non-gender-specifi c "Baby"

One day, in their little anthropomorphic cottage , they sat down to breakfast. Papa Bear had prepare d big bowls of all-natural porridge for them to eat. Bu t straight off the stove, the porridge was too thermall y enhanced to eat. So they left their bowls to cool an d took a walk to visit their animal neighbors.

After the bears left, a melanin-impoverishe d young wommo n emerged from the bushes and crep t up to the cottage. Her name was Goldilocks, and sh e had been watching the bears for days. She was, yo u see, a biologist who specialized in the study o f anthropomorphic bears. At one time she had been a professor, but her aggressive, masculine approach t o science ripping off the thin veil of Nature, exposing its secrets, penetrating its essence, using it for he r own selfish needs, and bragging about such violations in the letters columns of various magazine s had led to her dismissal.

The rogue biologist had been watching the cottage for some time. Her intent was to collar the bear s with radio transmitters and then follow them i n their migratory and other life patterns, with an utte r disregard for their personal (or rather, animal) privacy. With scientific espionage the only thing in mind , Goldilocks broke into the bears' cottage. In th e kitchen, she laced the bowls of porridge with a tranquilizing potion. Then, in the bedroom, she rigge d snares beneath the pillows of each bed. Her plan wa s to drug the bears and, when they stumbled into thei r bedroom to take a nap, lash radio collars to thei r necks as their heads hit the pillows.

Goldilocks chortled and thought: "These bear s will be my ticket to the top! I'll show those twerps a t the university the kind of guts it takes to do rea l research!" She crouched in a corner of the bedroo m and waited. And waited, and waited some more. Bu t the bears took so long to come back from their wal k that she fell asleep.

When the bears finally came home, they sat dow n to eat breakfast. Then they stopped.

Papa Bear asked, "Does your porridge smell - - off, Mama?"

Mama Bear replied, "Yes, it does. Does your s smell off, Baby?"

Baby Bear said, "Yes, it does. It smells kind o f chemical-y."

Suspicious, they rose from the table and went int o the living room. Papa Bear sniffed. He asked, "Do you smell something else, Mama?"

Mama Bear replied, "Yes, I do. Do you smel l something else, Baby?"

Baby Bear said. "Yes, I do. It smelts musky an d sweaty and not at all clean.''

They moved into the bedroom with growin g alarm. Papa Bear asked, "Do you see a snare and a radio collar under my pillow. Mama?"

Mama Bear replied, "Yes I do. Do you see a snar e and a radio collar under my pillow, Baby?"

Baby Bear said, "Yes I do, and I see the huma n who put them there!"

Baby Bear pointed in the corner to w h er e Goldilocks slept. The bears growled, and Goldilock s awoke with a start. She . Sprang up and tried to run , but Papa Bear caught her with a swing of his paw , and Mama Bear did the same. With Goldilocks no w a mobility nonpossessor, Mama and Papa Bear set o n her with fang and claw. They gobbled her up, an d soon there was nothing left of the maverick biologis t but a bit of yellow hair and a clipboard.

Baby Bear watched with astonishment. When the y were done, Baby Bear asked, "Mama, Papa, what hav e you done? I thought we were vegetarians."

Papa Bear burped. ''We are," he said, "but we'r e always ready to try new things. Flexibility is j u st on e more benefit of being multicultural."

*

*

SNOW WHITE

Once there was a youn g princess who was not at al l unpleasant to look at an d had a temperament tha t many found to be mor e pleasant than most othe r people's. Her nickname wa s Snow White, indicative o f the discriminatory notion s of associating pleasant o r attractive qualities with light, and unpleasant o r unattractive qualities with darkness. Thus. at an earl y age, Snow White was an unwitting if fortunate targe t for this type of colorist thinking.

When Snow White wa s quite young, her mothe r was suddenly stricken ill, grew more advanced i n non -health, and finally was rendered nonviable. He r father, the king, grieved for what can be considered a healthy period of time, then asked another wommo n to be his queen. Snow White did her best to pleas e her new mother-of-step, but a cold distanc e remained between them.

The queen's prized possession was a magic mirro r that would answer truthfully any question asked it.

Now, years of social conditioning in a male hierarchical dictatorship had left the queen very insecur e about her own self-worth. Physical beauty was th e one standard she cared about now, and she define d herself solely in regard to her personal appearance.

So every morning the queen would ask her mirror: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, "Who's the fairest one of all?"

Her mirror would answer:

"For all it's worth, 0 my queen, "Your beauty is the fairest to be seen."

That dialogue went on regularly until once whe n the queen was having a bad hair day and was desperately in need of support, she asked the usual question and the mirror answered: "Alas, if worth be based on beauty , "Snow White has surpassed you, cutie."

At this the queen Hew into a rage. The chance t o work with Snow White to form a strong bond of sisterhood had long passed. Instead, the quee n indulged in an adopted masculine power trip an d ordered the royal woodsperson to take Snow Whit e into the forest and kill her. And, possibly to impres s the males in the royal court, she barbarously ordere d that the girl's heart be cut out and brought back t o her.

The woodsperson sadly agreed to these orders , and led the girl, who was now actually a youn g wommon, into the middle of the forest. But his connections to the earth and seasons had made him a kind soul, and he couldn't bear to harm the girl. He told Snow White of the oppressive and unsisterl y order of the queen and told her to run as deeply a s she could into the forest.

The frightened Snow White did as she was told.

The woodsperson, fearing the queen's wrath bu t unwilling to take another life merely to indulge he r vanity, went into town and had the candy make r concoct a heart of red marzipan. When he presente d this to the queen, she hungrily devoured the heart i n a sickening display of pseudo-cannibalism.

Meanwhile, Snow White ran deep into the woods.

Just when she thought she had fled as far as sh e could from civilization and its unhealthy influences , she stumbled upon a cottage. Inside she saw seve n tiny beds, set in a row and all unmade. She also sa w seven sets of dishes piled high in the sink and seve n Barcaloungers in front of seven remote-controlle d TVs. She surmised that the cottage belonged t o either seven little men or one sloppy numerologtst.

The beds looked so inviting that the tired youngste r curled up on one and immediately fell asleep.

When she awoke several hours later, she saw th e faces of seven bearded, vertically challenged me n surrounding the bed. She sat up with a start an d gasped. One of the men said, "You see that? Just lik e a flighty woman: resting peacefully one minute, u p and screaming the next."

"I agree," said another. "She'll disrupt our stron g bond of brotherhood and create competition amon g us for her affections. I say we throw her in the rive r in a sack full of rocks.''

"I agree we should get rid other," said a third , "but why degrade the ecology? Let's just feed her t o a bear or something and let her become part of th e food chain.''

''Hear, hear!''

"Sound thinking, brother."

When Snow White finally regained her senses, she begged. "Please, please don't kill me. I meant n o harm by sleeping on your bed. I thought no on e would ever notice."

"All, you see?" said one of the men. "Female preoccupations are already surfacing. She's complainin g that we don't make our beds."

"Kill her! Kill her!"

"Please, no!" she cried. "I have traveled so dee p into these woods because my mother-of-step, th e queen, ordered me killed."

"See that? Internecine female vindictiv e ncss!"

"Don't try and play the victim with us, kid!"

"QUIET!" boomed one of the men, who ha d flaming red hair and a nonhuman animal skin on hi s head. Snow White quickly realized that he was thei r leader and that her fate rested in his hands. "Explai n yourself What's your name, and why have you reall y come here?"

"My name is Snow White," she began, "and I'v e already told you: My mother-of-step, the queen , ordered a woodsperson to take me in the forest an d kill me, but he took pity and told me to run awa y into the woods as far as I could."

"Just like a woman," grumbled one of the me n under his breath, "get a man to do her dirty work."

The leader held up his hands for silence. He said , "Well, Snow White, if that's your story, I guess we'l l have to believe you."

Snow White was beginning to resent her treatment but tried not to let it show. "And who arc yo u g uys, anywa y "We arc known as the Seven Towering Giants," s aid the leader. Snow White's suppression of a giggl e did not go unnoticed. The leader continued. "We ar c towering in spirit and so are giants among the men o f the forest. We used to earn our living by digging i n our mines, but we decided that such a rape of th e planet was immoral and short-sighted (besides, th e bottom fell out of the metals market). So now we ar e dedicated stewards of the earth and live here in harmony with nature. To make ends meet, we also conduct retreats for men who need to get in touch wit h their primitive masculine identities."

"So what does that involve," asked Snow White , "aside from drinking milk straight from the carton?"

"Your sarcasm is ill-advised," warned the leader o f the Seven Towering Giants. "My fellow giants wan t to get ri d of your corrupting feminine presence, an d I might not be able to stop them, understand? My men, we must speak our hearts openly and honestly.

Let us adjourn to the sweat lodg e!"

The seven little men scampered out the fron t door, whooping and stripping off their clothes.

Snow White didn't know what to do while waiting.

For fear of stepping on anything that might be scurrying about amid the debris on the floor, she staye d on the bed, although she did manage to make i t without ever stepping off.

Snow White heard drumming and shouts, and , soon after, the Seven Towering Giants came bac k into the cottage. They didn't smell as bad as sh e thought they would, and thankfully they all wor e loincloths.

"Agggh! Look what she's done to my bed! I wan t her out of here! I want to change my vote!"

"Calm down, brother," said the leader. "Don't yo u see? This is just what we were talking about: contrasts. We can better measure our progress as tru e men if there is a female around for comparison."

The men grumbled among themselves about th e wisdom of this decision. But Snow White had ha d enough. "I resent being kept around like an object , just a yardstick for your egos and penises!"

"Fair enough," the leader said. "You're free t o make your way back through the woods. Give ou r regards to the queen."

"Well, I guess I can stay until I figure out a ne w plan," she said.

"Very well," said the leader, "but we have a fe w ground rules. No dusting. No straightening up. An d no rinsing out underwear in the sink."

"And no peeking in the sweat lodge."

"And stay away from our drums."

Meanwhile, back at the castle, the queen rejoice d at the thought that her rival in beauty had been eliminated. She puttered around her boudoir readin g Glamour and Elle, and indulged herself with thre e whole pieces of chocolate without purging. Later , she confidently strolled up to her magic mirror an d asked her same, sad question: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, "Who's the fairest one of all?"

The mirror replied, "Your weight is perfect for your shape and height , "But for sheer OOOOMPH', you can't beat Sno w White."

At this news, the queen clenched her fists an d screamed at the top other lungs. For years, her insecurities had been eating away at her until now the y turned her into someone who was morally out of th e mainstream. With cunning and malice, she began t o devise a plan to ensure the non -viability of he r daught e r-of-step.

A few days later, Snow White, to be sure sh e didn't touch or rearrange anything, was meditatin g on the floor in the middle of the cottage. Suddenl y there was a knock on the door. Snow White opene d the door to find a chronologically gifted woma n with a basket in her hand. By the look other clothes , she was apparently unfettered by the confines of regular employment.

"Help a woman of unreliable income, dearie," sh e said, "and buy one of my apples."

Snow White thought for a moment. In protes t against agribusiness conglomerates, she had a personal rule against buying food from middl e p e rsons. Bu t her heart went out to the economically marginalize d woman, so she said yes. What Snow White didn't know was that this was really the queen in disguis e and that the apple had been chemically and genetically altered so that whoever bit it would sleep forever.

When Snow White handed over the money fo r the apple, you would have expected the queen to b e gleeful that her plan for revenge was working.

Instead, as she looked at Snow White's fine complexion and slim, taut body, she felt alternatin g waves of envy and self-revulsion. Finally, she burs t into tears.

"Why, whatever is the matter?" asked Sno w White.

"You're so young and beautiful," sobbed the disguised queen, "and I'm horrible to look at and getting worse."

"You shouldn't say that. After all, beauty come s from inside a person."

"I've been telling myself that for years," said th e queen, "and I still don't believe it- How do you sta y in such perfect shape?"

"Well, I meditate, work out in step aerobics thre e hours a day, and eat only half-portions of anythin g placed in front of me. Would you like me to sho w you?"

"Oh, yes, yes, please," said the queen. So the y started out with 30 minutes of simple hatha yog a meditation, then worked out on the step for anothe r hour. As they relaxed afterward. Snow White cut he r apple in half and gave a piece to the queen. Withou t thinking, the queen bit into it, and both of them fel l into a deep sleep.

Later that day, the Seven Towering Giant s returned from a retreat in the woods, elaboratel y decked out in animal skins, feathers, and mud. Wit h them was a prince from a nearby kingdom, who ha d come on this male retreat to find a cure for hi s impotence (or, as he preferred to call it, his involuntary suspension from phallocentric activity). The y were all laughing and high-fiving until they saw th e bodies and stopped short.

"What has happened?" asked the prince.

"Apparently our house guest and this othe r woman got into some sort of cat fight and killed eac h other," surmised one giant.

"If they thought that by doing this, they coul d make us slaves to our weaker emotions, they'r e wrong," fumed another.

"Well, as long as we have to dispose of them, let's practice one of those Viking funerals we've read about."

"You know," said the prince, "this might sound a little sick, but I trust you guys. I find that younge r one attractive. Extremely attractive. Would you fellows mind . . . um . . . waiting outside while I . . . ?"

"Stop right there!" said the leader of the giants.

"Those half-eaten apple pieces, that filthy costum e this has all the earmarks of some sort of magic spell.

They're not really dead at all."

"Whew, sighed the prince, "that makes me fee l better. So, could you guys take five and let me . . . ?"

"Hold it, Prince," said the leader. "Does Sno w White make you feel like a man again?"

"She certainly does. Now, could you guys . . . ?"

"Don't touch her! You'll break the spell." Th e leader thought for a minute and said, "My brothers , I see certain economic possibilities arising from this.

If we kept Snow White around here in this state, w e could advertise our retreats as impotency therapy."

The giants nodded in agreement with this idea , but the prince interrupted, "But what about me? I'v e already paid for my retreat. Why don't I get to, um , take the cure?"

"No dice, Prince," said the leader. 'You can look bu t don't touch. Otherwise you'll break the spell. Tell yo u what, though. You can have the other one if you want."

"I don't want to sound classist," said the prince , "but she's not high enough caliber for me."

"That's pretty big talk from a man shootin g blanks," said one of the giants, and everybody bu t the prince laughed.

The leader said, "Come on, brothers, let's lif t these two off the floor and decide how we can bes t display them." It took three giants for each female , but they managed to get both bodies aloft. As soon a s they did, however, the pieces of poisoned apple fel l from the mouths of Snow White and the queen, an d they awoke from the spell.

"What do you think you're doing? Put us down!" t hey shouted. The giants were so startled the y almost dropped the womyn to the floor.

"That was the most sickening thing I have eve r heard!" shouted the queen. "Offering us around lik e pieces of property!"

"And you," said Snow White to the prince, "tryin g to make it with a girl in a coma! Yuck!"

"Hey, don't blame me," said the prince. "It's a medical condition."

The leader of the giants said, "Don't start tossin g blame around. You both broke into our property i n the first place. I can call the police!"

"Don't try it, Napoleon," said the queen. "Thi s forest is property of the crown. You are the ones wh o are trespassing!"

This rejoinder caused quite a stir, but not as big a commotion as when the queen warned: "And anothe r thing. While we were immobile and you all blathere d on in your sexist way, I had a personal awakening.

From now on, I am going to dedicate my life to healing the rift between womyn's souls and their bodies. I a m going to teach womyn to accept their natural bod y images and become whole again. Snow White and I a re going to build a womyn's spa and conference center on this very spot, where we can hold retreats, caucuses, and ovariums for the sisters of the world."

There was much shouting and name-calling, but th e queen eventually had her way. Before the Seve n Towering Giants could be evicted from their home , though, they packed up their sweat lodge and move d deeper into the woods. The prince stayed on at the sp a as a cute but harmless tennis pro. And Snow White an d the queen became good friends and earned worldwide fame for their contributions to sisterhood. Th e giants were never heard from again, save for littl e muddy footprints that were sometimes found in th e morning outside the windows of the spa's locker room.

*

*

CHICKEN LITTLE

Chicken Little lived on a winding country lane surrounde d by tall oak trees. (It should b e mentioned here that the nam e "Little" was a family name, an d not a derogatory, size-biase d nickname. It was only b y sheer coincidence tha t Chicken Little was also o f shorter-than-average height.) One day, Chicken Little was playing in the road whe n a gust of wind blew through the trees. An aco rn was blow n loose and hit Chicken Little squarely on the head.

Now, while Chicken Little had a small brain i n the physical sense, she did use it to the best of he r abilities. So when she screamed, "The sky is falling , the sky is falling!" her conclusion was not wrong o r stupid or silly, only logically und e renhanced.

Chicken Little ran down the road until she came t o the house of her neighbor, Henny Penny, who wa s tending her garden. This was a simple task, since sh e didn't use any insecticide, herbicide, or fertilizer, an d also permitted the native nonedible varieties of wildflower (sometimes branded "weeds") to mingle wit h her food crops. So, lost amid the foliage, Henny Penn y heard Chicken Little's voice long before she saw her.

"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

Henny Penny stuck her head out from her garde n and said, "Chicken Little! Why are you carrying on so?"

Chicken Little said, "I was playing in the roa d when a huge chunk of the sky fell and landed on m y head. See? Here's the bump to prove it."

"There's just one thing to do," said Henny Penny.

"What's that?" asked Chicken Little.

"Sue the bastards!" said Henny Penny.

Chicken Little was puzzled. "Sue for what?"

"Personal injury, discrimination, intentiona l infliction of emotional distress, negligent inflictio n of emotional distress, tortious interference, the tor t of outrage you name it, we'll sue for it."

"Good gracious!" said Chicken Little. "What wil l we get for all of that?"

"We can get payment for pain and suffering, compensatory damages, punitive damages, disability an d disfigurement, long-term care, mental anguish , impaired earning power, loss of esteem. . . ."

"Person, oh, person!" said Chicken Little joyfully.

"Who are we going to sue?"

"Well, I don't think the skyer se is recognized as a suable entity by the state," said Henny Penny.

"I guess we should go find a lawyer and learn wh o is suable," said Chicken Little, her diminutive brai n working overtime.

"That's a good idea. And while we're there, I ca n ask whom to sue for these ridiculously bony legs o f mine. They've caused me nothing but anguish an d embarrassment my whole life, and I should be compensated somehow for all that."

So they ran farther down the road until they cam e to the house of their neighbor. Goosey Loosey.

Goosey Loosey was busy teaching her canine anima l companion to eat grass so she could avoid the guilt y feelings that came with feeding the dog processe d animal carcasses from a can.

"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

"Sue the bastards! Sue the bastards!"

Goosey Loosey leaned over her fence and said , "Land sakes! Why are you two carrying on so?"

"I was playing in the road and a piece of sky fel l on my head," explained Chicken Little.

"So we're going to find a lawyer to tell us who m we can sue both for her injuries and for my bon y legs."

"Oh good! Can I come and sue someone for m y long, gangly neck? You know, nothing really flatter s it, so I am convinced there's a conspiracy within th e fashion industry against long-necked waterfowl."

So the three of them ran down the road lookin g for legal assistance.

"The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

"Sue the bastards! Sue the bastards!"

"Smash the conspiracy! Smash the conspiracy!"

Farther down the road they met Foxy Loxy, wh o was dressed in a blue suit and carried a briefcase. He held up a paw to halt the entourage.

"And what are you three doing out on this lovel y day?" asked Foxy Loxy.

"We're looking for someone to sue!" they shoute d in unison.

"What are your grievances? Personal injury?

Discrimination? Intentional infliction of emotiona l distress? Negligent infliction of emotional distress?

Tortious interference? The tort of outrage?"

"Oh, yes, yes," the three said excitedly "all tha t and more!"

"Well, then, you're in luck," said Foxy Loxy. "My caseload has just eased up, so I will be able to represent you in any and all lawsuits we can manage t o bring."

The trio cheered and flapped their wings.

Chicken Little asked, "But who are we going t o sue?"

Without missing a beat, Foxy Loxy said, "Wh o aren't we going to sue? Three hapless victims such a s yourselves will be able to find more guilty partie s than you can shake a writ at. Now, let's all step int o my office so we can discuss this further."

Foxy Loxy walked over to a small black metal doo r that was in the side of a small hill nearby. "Step righ t this way" he said as he lifted the latch. But the blac k door wouldn't open. Foxy Loxy tugged on it wit h one paw, then with both. It still wouldn't budge. He yanked and pulled violently, cursing the door, it s mental abilities, and its sexual history.

Finally the door swung open, and a huge ball o f fire shot out. This was really the door to Foxy Loxy's oven! But unfortunately for him, the ball of fir e engulfed his head, burned off every hair an d whisker, and left him totally catatonic. Chicke n Little, Henny Penny, and Goosey Loosey ran away , thankful that they had not been devoured.

However, the family of Foxy Loxy caught up wit h them. In addition to suing the manufacturer of th e oven door on behalf of Foxy Loxy, the famil y brought suit against the three above-named barnyar d fowl, claiming entrapment, reckless endangerment , and fraud. The family sought payment for pain an d suffering, compensatory damages, punitive damages , disability and disfigurement, long-term care, menta l anguish, impaired earning power, loss of esteem, an d the loss of a good dinner. The three birds late r brought a countersuit, and they've all been battlin g in court from that day to this.

*

*

THE FROG PRINCE

Once there was a young princes s who, when she grew tired o f beating her head against th e male power structure at he r castle, would relax by walkin g into the woods and sittin g beside a small pond. There sh e would amuse herself by tossing her favorite golden ball u p and down and pondering th e role of the eco-feminist warrior in her era.

One day, while she was envisioning the Utopi a that her queendom could become if womyn were i n the positions of power, she dropped the ball, whic h rolled into the pond. The pond was so deep an d murky she couldn't see where it had gone. Sh e didn't cry, of course, but she made a mental note t o be more careful next time.

Suddenly she heard a voice say, "I can get you r ball for you, princess."

She looked around, and saw the head of a fro g popping above the surface of the pond. "No, no," s he said, "I would never enslave a member of another species to work for my selfish desires."

The frog said, "Well, what if we make a deal on a contingency basis? I'll get your ball for you if you d o me a favor in return."

The princess gladly agreed to this most equitabl e arrangement. The frog dived under the water an d soon emerged with the golden ball in his mouth. He spit the ball on the shore and said, "Now that I'v e done you a favor, I'd like to explore your views o n physical attraction between the species."

The princess couldn't imagine what the frog wa s talking about. The frog continued, "You see, I a m not really a frog at all. I'm really a man, but an evi l sorcerer has cast a spell on me. While my frog for m is no better or worse only different than m y human form, I would so much like to be amon g people again. And the only thing that can break thi s spell is a kiss from a princess."

The princess thought for a moment abou t whether sexual harassment could take place betwee n species, but her heart went out to the frog for hi s predicament. She bent down and kissed the frog o n the forehead. Instantly the frog grew and changed.

And there, standing in the water where the frog ha d been, was a man in a golf shirt and loud plai d pants middle-aged, vertically challenged, and losing a little bit of hair on top.

The princess was taken aback. "I'm sorry if thi s sounds a little classist," she stammered, "but . . . w hat I mean to say is ... don't sorcerers usually cas t their spells on princes'?"

"Ordinarily, yes," he said, "but this time the targe t was just an innocent businessman. You see, I'm a real estate developer, and the sorcerer thought I wa s cheating him in a property-line dispute. So he invited me out for a round of golf, and just as I was abou t to tee off, he transformed me. But my time as a fro g wasn't wasted, you know. I've gotten to know ever y square inch of these woods, and I think it would b e ideal for an office park/condo/resort complex. Th e location's great and the numbers crunch perfectly!

The bank wouldn't lend any money to a frog, bu t now that I'm in human form again, they'll be eatin g out of my hand. Oh, will that be sweet! And let m e tell you, this is going to be a big project! Just drai n the pond, cut down about 80 percent of the trees, ge t easements for. ..."

The frog developer was cut short when the princes s shoved her golden ball back into his mouth. She the n pushed him back underwater and held him there unti l he stopped thrashing. As she walked back to the castle , she marveled at the number of good deeds that a person could do in just one morning. And while someon e might have noticed that the frog was gone, no on e ever missed the real estate developer.

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JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

Once upon a time, on a littl e farm, there lived a bo y named Jack. He lived o n the farm with his mother , and they were very excluded from the normal circle s of economic activity. Thi s cruel reality kept them i n straits of direness, until on e day Jack's mother told hi m to take the family cow into town and sell it for a s much as he could.

Never mind the thousands of gallons of milk the y had stolen from her! Never mind the hours of pleasure their bovine animal companion had provided!

And forget about the manure they had appropriate d for their garden! She was now just another piece o f property to them. Jack, who didn't realize that nonhuman animals have as many rights as human animals perhaps even more did as his mother asked.

On his way to town, Jack met an old magic vegetarian, who warned Jack of the dangers of eating bee f and dairy products.

"Oh, I'm not going to eat this cow," said Jack.

"I'm going to take her into town and sell her."

"But by doing that, you'll just perpetuate the cultural mythos of beef, ignoring the negative impact o f the cattle industry on our ecology and the health an d social problems that arise from meat consumption.

But you look too simple to be able to make thes e connections, my boy. I'll tell you what I'll do: I'l l offer a trade of your cow for these three magi c beans, which have as much protein as that entir e cow but none of the fat or sodium."

Jack made the trade gladly and took the bean s home to his mother. When he told her about th e deal he had made, she grew very upset. She used t o think her son was merely a conceptual rather than a linear thinker, but now she was sure that he wa s downright differently abled. She grabbed the thre e magic beans and threw them out the window in disgust. Later that day, she attended her first support group meeting with Mothers of Storyboo k Children.

The next morning, Jack stuck his head out th e window to see if the sun had risen in the east agai n (he was beginning to see a pattern in this). But outside the window, the beans had grown into a hug e stalk that reached through the clouds. Because he n o longer had a cow to milk in the morning, Jac k climbed the beanstalk into the sky.

At the top, above the clouds, he found a huge castle. It was not only big, but it was built to larger than-average scale, as if it were the home o f someone who just happened to be a giant. Jac k entered the castle and heard beautiful music waftin g through the air. He followed this sound until h e found its source: a golden harp that played musi c without being touched. Next to this self-actualize d harp was a hen sitting on a pile of golden eggs.

Now, the prospect of easy wealth and mindles s entertainment appealed to Jack's bourgeois sensibilities, so he picked up both the harp and the he n and started to run for the front door. Then h e heard thundering footsteps and a booming voic e that said: "FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM, "I smell the blood of an English person!

"I'd like to learn about his culture and views on life!

"And share my own perspectives in an open an d generous way!"

Unfortunately, Jack was too crazed with greed t o accept the giant's offer of a cultural interchange. "It's only a trick," thought Jack. "Besides, what's a gian t doing with such fine, delicate things? He must hav e stolen them from somewhere else, so I have ever y right to take them." His frantic justification s remarkable for someone with his overtaxed menta l resources revealed a terrible callousness to th e giant's personal rights. Jack apparently was a complete sizeist, who thought that all giants were clumsy , knowledge-impaired, and exploitable.

When the giant saw Jack with the magic harp an d the hen, he asked, "Why are you taking what belong s to me?"

Jack knew he couldn't outrun the giant, so he had t o think fast. He blurted out, "I'm not taking them, m y friend. I am merely placing them in my stewardship s o that they can be properly managed and brought t o their fullest potential. Pardon my bluntness, but yo u giants are too simple in the head and don't know ho w to manage your resources properly. I'm just lookin g out for your interests. You'll thank me for this later."

Jack held his breath to see if the bluff would sav e his skin. The giant sighed heavily and said, "Yes, yo u are right. We giants do use our resources foolishly.

Why, we can't even discover a new beanstalk befor e we get so excited and pick away at it so much that w e pull the poor thing right out of the ground!"

Jack's heart sank. He turned and looked out th e front door of the castle. Sure enough, the giant ha d destroyed his beanstalk. Jack grew frightened and cried , "Now I'm trapped here in the clouds with you forever!"

The giant said, "Don't worry, my little friend. We are strict vegetarians up here, and there arc alway s plenty of beans to cat. And besides, you won't b e alone. Thirteen other men of your size have alread y climbed up beanstalks to visit us and stayed."

So Jack resigned himself to his fate as a membe r of the giant's cloud commune. He didn't miss hi s mother or their farm much, because up in the sk y there was less work to do and more than enough t o eat. And he gradually learned not to judge peopl e based on their size ever again, except for those shorter than he.

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THE PIED PIPER OF HAMELIN

The picturesque little tow n of Hamelin had everythin g a community could wis h for non-polluting industries, effective mass transit , and a well-balanced ethno -religious diversity. In fact , the town leaders had managed to legislate or intimidate away every elemen t that could keep the citizens from living a good an d sensitive life. Every element, that is, except the trailer park.

The trailer park on the edge of Hamelin was a civic embarrassment. Not only "was it a terrible eyesore, with its rusted pickup trucks and trash heaps i n every backyard. Within it dwelled some of the mos t unregenerate and irredeemable people you coul d ever imagine murderers of nondomestic animals , former clients of the correctional system, and offroad bikers. With their plastic daisy pinwheels, lou d music, and drunken weekend brawls, they sent a shudder through every respectable person in town.

One day, after a particularly riotous road rall y through the trailer park, the town leaders had a meeting. After heated debate, they decided tha t somehow they had to eradicate the trailer park. Bu t they were at a loss as to how to do it without ignoring or infringing upon the rights of the people wh o lived there. Finally, after even more oratory, the y decided to let that be someone else's worry, sinc e they were already so burdened with more importan t concerns, such as declining property values. So th e town leaders decided to advertise for someone t o solve their problems.

Soon after the advertisement was sent out, a ma n appeared in town. He was very vertically gifted an d of lower-than-average weight for his size. Hi s clothes were worn in combinations never befor e seen or imagined, and his mannerisms and high -pitched voice were certainly unique. Although h e looked like he came from some world other tha n (but certainly not unequal to) our own, he gaine d the trust of the desperate town leaders.

"I will be able to rid your town of the trailer-par k dwellers," said the man of enhanced strangeness , "but you must promise to pay me 100 pieces o f gold."

The town leaders wanted this whole unpleasan t business finished as soon as possible, so they readil y assented. The sooner the trailer park was eliminated , the sooner they could all revert to their open-minded, progressive selves.

So the man of enhanced strangeness got down t o work. He reached into his tattered knapsack an d pulled out a sophisticated, compact recordin g machine. The people around him looked on wit h interest as he inserted a few tapes, set some knobs , and checked the sound levels. Then he began mumbling into the built-in microphone. No one coul d hear exactly what he was saying, but the man seeme d to be lacking in coherence. Abruptly, he stoppe d mumbling, stood up, and told the town leaders tha t he needed a truck with a public-address system.

The authorities scrambled after this strang e request. They managed to find such a truck at th e Department of Public Biodiversity and handed ove r the keys to the man of enhanced strangeness. He climbed in and drove off, popping the cassette h e had made into the sound system. Everyone followe d the truck as it headed toward the trailer park.

Soon music began to emerge from the slowl y moving truck generally country music but als o occasional classics like "The Ballad of the Gree n Berets" and "Ghost Riders in the Sky." The tow n leaders were puzzled by this, until they noticed people emerging from their trailers, tool sheds, and taverns. The people had a certain glassy expression an d talked to themselves as they stumbled along.

"I'm gonna go git me a job," said one. "I hear th e carny is hirin'."

"I think I'll join the professional tractor-pull circuit," said another.

"Do you think I could make a l ivin' by signin' u p for medical experiments?" asked a third.

The denizens of the trailer park followed th e truck as it drove slowly toward the edge of town.

Soon both they and it disappeared over the horizon , and the town leaders lifted a cheer.

About an hour later the truck returned, minus it s entourage. "I led them all to the highway," said th e man of enhanced strangeness as he alighted from th e truck. "They're out thumbing rides for anyplace bu t Hamelin. Now the trailer park is free for you to us e in whatever way you want."

"Marvelous!" said one of the authorities, who wa s serving as a spokesperson. "Now that they're gone , we can commence with our plans for a Third-Worl d Refugee Reori e ntation Center. Thank you, than k you."

"Now, if you will kindly pay me the 100 pieces o f gold you promised, I'll be on my way."

"Well, er . . . Hamelin is striving to establish a n economy that is based on human capital and not th e mere exploitation of physical resources. And so, t o this end, we'd like to offer you this coupon book , which entitles you to such services in Hamelin a s free massages and seminars on releasing your inne r child."

The man of enhanced strangeness squinted hi s eyes. "You promised me 100 pieces of gold," he said , growing visibly angry. "Now pay up or suffer th e consequences."

"If you wish to abandon your responsibility fo r making the world a more equitable place," clucke d the spokesperson, "so be it. We will have to give yo u the official Hamelin IOU, which can be redeeme d for a significant portion of its face value at many o f the currency exchanges and liquor stores in the surrounding towns."

The man of enhanced strangeness paused, the n chuckled eerily and climbed back in the truck.

Before anyone could stop him, he began to driv e through all the neighborhoods of Hamelin. As h e went, the truck played a weird, high-pitched musi c that no one could recognize. Soon, the children o f Hamelin emerged from their houses and streame d from their playgrounds. With glazed looks, the y milled about in the streets. The town leaders coul d hear the children talking earnestly to each other; "Free markets are the only sure way to give peopl e the personal incentive to build a better society," sai d one child.

"We must respect the rights of citizens to preserv e the ethnic purity of their neighborhoods," sai d another.

"Our only obligation as a society is to make sur e everyone has a level playing field," said a third.

As their children began to form tax protes t groups and gun clubs, the town leaders sadly realized that all their years of careful social plannin g would soon come to nothing. The next day, the y found the public-address truck on the outskirts o f town, but there was no sign of the mysterious ma n whom they had tried to swindle.

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